Truffle Shuffle

We're told to love our bodies no matter what they look like and that being big is beautiful, and while I don't see other people being fat or obese as a bad thing, I'm having a hard time applying my apathy towards body size to myself. What if you can't apply that kind of indifference about body image to yourself? What if what you see in the mirror doesn't line up to the standards you hold for yourself? What if you hate your body and compliments only make you feel worse?

Latuda and Abilify had me gain a total of 30 lbs in less than 2.5 months and going from 132 to 162 has been difficult for me to accept. I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant 11 years ago. The Latuda threw my binge eating out of control to the point where I was pulling my hair out in cold showers just to stop thinking about eating for 10 or 15 minutes during the day. Binge eating is a symptom of borderline personality disorder, it's a form of self harm, just like cutting is. It's terrible because all you can think about is eating nonstop and when you binge on all the shitty foods you're craving the relief is so miniscule and so momentary that it actually makes you feel worse. It creates a cycle of feeling like shit because you gave in and the only relief is eating. You're filled up with self loathing from what you think is a lack of willpower when it's really part of your mental disorder that strips away any control you think you have over yourself.

It's not because I didn't want to stop eating, I couldn't. I would grind my teeth as I paced around the house trying to go over why eating a pound of candy is a very bad idea. I tried to pacify the impulse with herbal teas, gum, planning out all of my meals, trying to limit how much candy I would buy and eat, and dozens of other tricks but not a goddamn thing worked. I was spending so much of my day fighting the impulse to binge eat that I didn't have energy for anything else.

I thought about it day and night, I couldn't focus on anything else. It got to the point where I knew I was losing the battle. I couldn't overpower my body's impulse to eat all the time. If I couldn't stop eating I needed to gain control in another way. I resorted to the only thing that made sense in that state of mind- throwing up all the food I couldn't stop myself from consuming.

I had a short stint of bulimia and the only reason I stopped is so my husband wouldn't find out and feel worse for me than he already does. For 2 weeks I tried to throw up after my binges, I could never feel like I got as much out as I put in and it only caused me to feel worse about myself. It's a scary cycle and I wanted out before it got worse, thankfully after those 2 weeks I was no longer purging.

My doctor took me off Latuda when I told him about my bingeing and unstoppable sugar cravings, I never told him about my purging. He put me on Abilify and I lost about 10 lbs during the switch, which was a relief. Finally I can get back to a normal weight, or so I hoped. After 2 weeks I started gaining weight but this time without binge eating. My cravings weren't gone but there was a 50/50 chance of me giving into them and they weren't as strong. I wasn't hitting my calorie goals each day but I was no longer overeating. I also felt more relief after eating while on Abilify, it wasn't as empty or as hollow of a feeling. But then those 10 lbs came back.

I'm now back to 162 lbs and I hate my body.

I'm uncomfortable, bending over is difficult because there's so much more to me now. Even Though I have clothes that fit me they're terribly uncomfortable. Things don't sit or fit right, I feel heavier and weighed down whenever I move around. I'm not even going to get into how awful it feels riding uphill on a bike.

I hate how I look in the mirror and can't accept it. The world beats into our head that there's nothing wrong with being overweight, and I honestly couldn't care less about other people's bodies. I don't judge others for their weight or body type, I save all unfair and cruel criticism for myself. When I look in the mirror I don't see me, I see 30 lbs of burden thrusted upon me because of psych meds that didn't end up helping me in the end anyway. I had no control over how I got here, yet I experience all of the blame and guilt. I don't want to be this size, it isn't me.

It's completely destroyed my self esteem. I feel like I'm living in someone else's body, not the active bike woman my life actually is. It affects how I act around other people, it affects what I do that day, it keeps me in a mild state of depression because the situation feels hopeless. I'm being weaned off Abilify but I don't know if that will help me lose any weight. I'm overwhelmed and lugging this odd, 30 lbs heavier flesh vessel around makes me miserable.

I don't feel powerful, I don't feel strong- I only feel shame. I want to wear a shirt that says "this body isn't my fault," but I would only be trying to convince myself.

But I'm only 162 lbs, I can't imagine what it's like starting off heavier and having medications add to that. I know people who have gained over 100 lbs thanks to meds and I can't imagine how someone could deal with that. My 30 lbs make me feel hopeless about getting my body back together, trying to imagine the situations other people are dealing with blows my mind.

I've gained empathy where there was once apathy about body image.

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The dog days are here

I've decided that I'm healthy enough to work. Because of how bad off I was, the plan was to get on disability pay in order to take the time I needed to get my meds straight and find some stability before I entered the workforce again. Between the russian roulette game that is figuring out psych meds and recovering from my termination and bullying at the bike shop, I was finding it impossible to get basic life tasks accomplished, so disability seemed like the only viable option until I got back on my feet, mentally. But now that the doctors and I know what I'm facing- not just bipolar disorder but also borderline personality disorder- we can treat it accordingly.

The meds weren't working because my bipolar wasn't the culprit, BPD was, and just like when I was diagnosed with bipolar 4 years ago, I hit the ground running to educate myself about the disorder. It's surprising it took this long to catch but BPD is exacerbated by stress and with my former boss doing things like mocking me to my face about my symptoms, it set off a BPD hell storm. By the way, yes, my former boss came up to me one day mockingly shaking his arms around and said "so, is this what we're going to do all day?" clearly making fun of my lithium tremors. Yes, my former boss mocked me like a child on several occasions and when politely asked to stop he threatened to fire me.

I was in a bad situation but I figured as long as I didn't give in to his bullshit then I could continue to do what I love- work in a bike shop.

The good news is that I no longer have to worry about disability or trying to secure odd jobs because I have finally entered the workforce once again- I officially work for the Richmond SPCA as a kennel assistant. It doesn't pay much and it's only part time but it will bring home pretty much the amount I would have been getting with disability. Since knowing, understanding, and treating BPD my mental state has improved greatly between DBT, CBT, and no longer throwing meds that don't work in the mix, my mental state has improved dramatically, and more importantly, I have complete faith in my ability to work part time in this particular job. I plan to find a way to move to a full time position eventually if I feel like I can handle more.

I will say that if there was a perfect job for me that doesn't involve bicycles then it will be one that involves dogs.

Me having too much fun when I was volunteering at the SPCA

I hate to do it but I'm asking for help one last time. My car payments have piled up since I had no income for 3 months and my phone is close to getting shut off. Both of these things I will be able to maintain with my new job but I won't be making enough to get caught up. I have a GoFundMe and Paypal, the difference being GoFundMe takes 10%. Anything and everything helps, I seriously mean that. I've been unable to sleep and have panic attacks whenever I think about my car being repossessed or my phone being cut off. These aren't the only bills that are behind but it's the only two I truly need help with enough to ask. Once these two are set I will officially shut down my GoFundMe campaign and be able to close that chapter of my life. Thank you for everyone who already contributed, you are responsible for me getting to where I'm at today and I will never forget that.

Car payment: $1,160.02        due as of 3/17/17
Phone bill: $369.15               due as of 3/17/17

Paypal

GoFundMe

Nervous breakdown

Late November of last year I took 2 weeks of medical leave from work in order to deal with my overwhelming symptoms. I did so in order for my performance at work to stay at a functioning level; it was a preliminary strike in order to reign in my mental health before it seeped into my job performance. I ended up in a very bad place and I couldn't figure out what caused it, I reflected on everything and came up with no answers. Was it just the bipolar throwing me for a curve ball? But it felt bigger and much more complicated than bipolar disorder.

Rewind to a week ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in addition to bipolar disorder. I'm not shocked, I've had my suspicions but until a doctor says anything, was sticking to bipolar disorder as the culprit.

I've hit my research hard, reading, watching, and absorbing everything I can about BPD and when I did so, a new picture started to take form. I knew exactly why I had my nervous breakdown in November. It was the way I was being treated at my job. The more time I have to reflect on it the more time I'm glad to be out of the environment I was in, the more time I have to see that my boss firing me didn't come out of nowhere.

I was told to clock out if I was going to talk to customers for too long, which came as a surprise since my whole job revolved around talking to people. People love to chat when they come into the shop, anyone who's ever worked in the industry knows that. If a guy wants to tell be about the kayak he bought from Rowlett's 20 years ago, then that's what we'll be talking about (as long as I don't have any pressing issues or other people to attend to.) His talking about something that seems so irrelevant was actually a treasure trove of information for when the conversation circles back to cycling. I can gauge his level of fitness, whether he would do better with a road or mountain bike, and how much time a week he would be riding. All conversations greatly helped me in making sure these people got the right bike and the right equipment.

But I was pulled aside and told to clock out if I want to hang out with my friends at the shop. But they're... customers. I can call some of them friends but that's because I ride with them regularly. I don't really know them outside of a cycling context and plus, isn't that kind of my job? To talk to customers, whether they're regulars or not? To represent the bike shop as an active member of the cycling community? I was in sales, it's my job to listen to people to better figure out what they need in order to enhance their riding experience.

I was told if the topic isn't about cycling specifically then it's inappropriate and I need to clock out.

No one else in the shop was help to this strange policy that I found out was exclusively for me. Everyone else had friends come in the shop and hang out for hours at a time but the owner never felt like it was an issue to bring up with them. I didn't care that it happened, I just wanted to be held to the same standard as everyone else. My friends rarely came up there, when they did it was to buy something from me or to take 2 minutes to say hi and then be on their way.

This is just one small example of how I was treated so much more different than the rest of the guys, I'll write further posts about other ways I was treated unfairly over the next several weeks because I now know it's what set me off. I was being singled out and it was wreaking havoc on my mental health. I just wanted to do my job, I wanted to sell bikes, get people into cycling, and bring all the people that I know or ride with to come over to the shop I was working at. I was good for business. I brought in a lot of regulars.

But I didn't have any defence mechanisms for being treated unfairly. BPD causes me to internalize these things. The more I was treated poorly, the worst I got.

I was singled out long before I picked up on it. I think he was afraid of me since day one, thinking that at any moment I could have a "bipolar fit," which isn't even a thing. I had a BPD meltdown because of the way I was being treated, but that only causes harm to myself, no one else.


I just wanted to be in a bike shop and do my absolute best to serve the cycling community.

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A love letter to my husband

I always want to use the phrase "thanks for putting up with me," but I can't. In our 3 years together, and for the first time in my life, I've not once felt like a burden. I'm not something you put up with, you laugh with me when people would normally be laughing at me. You stand by my side when my mental health would, and has, made people run away from me. You've never shown fear towards me, despite experiencing fear when my disorders take a scary turn. You've had many instances where it would have been so easy to run or renege on our commitment, but your dedication since day one isn't just admirable, it's legendary.

You're the strongest individual I've ever met and that's not just in the context of my mental health issues. Your strongest trait (outside of getting free car parts off Craigslist) is your ability to pull through anything and everything that's thrown your way. We share that trait, the ability to end up on top in the end. You probably don't see this quality as clearly as I do but I observe everything you do; you're terribly fascinating to me. I never enjoy seeing you down but I always look forward as to how you're going to pull yourself back up, because you always do. You give me strength just by being you, by always ending up on top after being knocked down.

You knew I had bipolar disorder before we started dating, you had no idea what that would entail but you went forward anyway. I didn't think this relationship would work, not because of anything on your side, I thought you were perfect, but because of my life long string of unstable relationships. I either chose poorly or eventually sabotaged a good thing. Why would a relationship with a barely divorced bike mechanic be any different?

But you were different. You were kind. It was very shortly after I fell for you that I realized that a relationship with you was worth trying, even if it didn't work out in the long run. You were worth becoming vulnerable for. Every relationship someone has will fail until one doesn't and if you didn't work out, well, that was a risk I was willing to take. I didn't want a relationship when I found you. I didn't want to date, I still had so much to learn about myself and my bipolar disorder. I didn't want to expose someone new to my complete psychological mess.

I'll never be more thankful for the universe sending you my way. I'll never be more proud of myself for choosing a healthy and functional relationship. I was attracted to you because of all of the hard work I had been doing with my mental health. I was attracted to a higher caliber person because I was viewing the world through mentally healthier eyes. My bipolar (and also what we now know is BPD) didn't make that decision for me, I did. Gwyn did.

It hasn't all been rosy, you've experienced the wrong end of my disorders; watching me snap and bolt out the door in the middle of the night, with talk about throwing myself into highway traffic. I know you were afraid when I sat in a kitchen of broken dishes that I destroyed as you watched me switch from Typhoid to Gwyn and back to Typhoid over and over. You had every right to be fearful in those situations but what separates you from the rest of the world is your ability to keep cool and calm in order to make sure the woman you love doesn't end up in any more pain than she needed to be. You realized she wasn't hurting you on purpose, she was just a product of her flawed brain chemistry.

What makes you unique is that you have always been able to separate me from my symptoms. You knew you were dealing with my mental illness and not with the woman underneath.

Being brave doesn't mean fearless, it's being able to trudge forward despite overwhelming fear. I see you as by far the bravest person I've ever encountered, even more so than myself.

You constantly see me struggle and I'm always honest with what I'm going through mentally no matter how insane or dangerous it is. I have never felt the need to hide the darkest parts of my struggle because I have never felt judged and you've never made me feel crazy. I can turn to you and say "my brain is telling me to kill myself" without you freaking out or seeing me as a danger to myself. I can be 100% real and honest about what my brain is doing and you never look at me like I'm crazy, even when I'm... well, being crazy.

You make me feel human. You make me feel valid. You make me feel like I'm not alone.

Thank you for that.

Thanks for reading