July 2013

I found this post from July last year. I don't know how I missed publishing it and I was hesitant to due to it's content but I feel it's worth documenting since it was a pretty big issue for me back then.

July 19th, 2013:

I'm stuck in a mixed state lately. Right now it's sadness which comes with feelings of hopelessness and no energy. I needed to go running today- I didn't. I need to be painting- I can't. My mind won't adjust into the head space it needs for painting. I tried, I sat and painted for 2 hours. I told myself to stick with it and it will eventually come. I didn't. I sat crying at my desk. That makes me feel worse and only promotes the hopelessness setting in.

I think the isolation is getting to me. I'm by myself at the house busting ass, having to catch up for 3 months of mental vacation. Johnny went o VA and now is in LA. I have a ton of people I can call or message but I have no social life. I can't really afford one right now. But when I feel like this I just further isolate myself. I don't have anyone here I can confide in. Johnny wants nothing to do with my mood swings, even if they are light and manageable. He's done dealing with this part of me. That's horribly depressing to even think about.

I keep screaming internally at myself that I'll be fine and I'll feel better soon but to no avail. It doesn't register.

Nothing feels good right now. Nothing is making the vacant, numbing, lack of feeling subside.

I put painting down to go draw what ever idea my heart desires. Nothing. I couldn't think of anything and to be honest I didn't even care. I started playing Skyrim. Nothing. I'm uninterested. I could go to the store and get cookie (gluten free cookie = fun) but I don't have the energy to get on my bike to go get them.