I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Thursday, March 9, 2017

A love letter to my husband

I always want to use the phrase "thanks for putting up with me," but I can't. In our 3 years together, and for the first time in my life, I've not once felt like a burden. I'm not something you put up with, you laugh with me when people would normally be laughing at me. You stand by my side when my mental health would, and has, made people run away from me. You've never shown fear towards me, despite experiencing fear when my disorders take a scary turn. You've had many instances where it would have been so easy to run or renege on our commitment, but your dedication since day one isn't just admirable, it's legendary.

You're the strongest individual I've ever met and that's not just in the context of my mental health issues. Your strongest trait (outside of getting free car parts off Craigslist) is your ability to pull through anything and everything that's thrown your way. We share that trait, the ability to end up on top in the end. You probably don't see this quality as clearly as I do but I observe everything you do; you're terribly fascinating to me. I never enjoy seeing you down but I always look forward as to how you're going to pull yourself back up, because you always do. You give me strength just by being you, by always ending up on top after being knocked down.



You knew I had bipolar disorder before we started dating, you had no idea what that would entail but you went forward anyway. I didn't think this relationship would work, not because of anything on your side, I thought you were perfect, but because of my life long string of unstable relationships. I either chose poorly or eventually sabotaged a good thing. Why would a relationship with a barely divorced bike mechanic be any different?

But you were different. You were kind. It was very shortly after I fell for you that I realized that a relationship with you was worth trying, even if it didn't work out in the long run. You were worth becoming vulnerable for. Every relationship someone has will fail until one doesn't and if you didn't work out, well, that was a risk I was willing to take. I didn't want a relationship when I found you. I didn't want to date, I still had so much to learn about myself and my bipolar disorder. I didn't want to expose someone new to my complete psychological mess.

I'll never be more thankful for the universe sending you my way. I'll never be more proud of myself for choosing a healthy and functional relationship. I was attracted to you because of all of the hard work I had been doing with my mental health. I was attracted to a higher caliber person because I was viewing the world through mentally healthier eyes. My bipolar (and also what we now know is BPD) didn't make that decision for me, I did. Gwyn did.



It hasn't all been rosy, you've experienced the wrong end of my disorders; watching me snap and bolt out the door in the middle of the night, with talk about throwing myself into highway traffic. I know you were afraid when I sat in a kitchen of broken dishes that I destroyed as you watched me switch from Typhoid to Gwyn and back to Typhoid over and over. You had every right to be fearful in those situations but what separates you from the rest of the world is your ability to keep cool and calm in order to make sure the woman you love doesn't end up in any more pain than she needed to be. You realized she wasn't hurting you on purpose, she was just a product of her flawed brain chemistry.

What makes you unique is that you have always been able to separate me from my symptoms. You knew you were dealing with my mental illness and not with the woman underneath.

Being brave doesn't mean fearless, it's being able to trudge forward despite overwhelming fear. I see you as by far the bravest person I've ever encountered, even more so than myself.

You constantly see me struggle and I'm always honest with what I'm going through mentally no matter how insane or dangerous it is. I have never felt the need to hide the darkest parts of my struggle because I have never felt judged and you've never made me feel crazy. I can turn to you and say "my brain is telling me to kill myself" without you freaking out or seeing me as a danger to myself. I can be 100% real and honest about what my brain is doing and you never look at me like I'm crazy, even when I'm... well, being crazy.

You make me feel human. You make me feel valid. You make me feel like I'm not alone.

Thank you for that.


Thanks for reading

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