I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Close to death

I watched the cars traveling at high speeds soar down the highway and disappear underneath me. I stood on the sidewalk of the overpass gauging how long it would take me to scale over the chain link fence and for my body to hit the ground below. Could I time it just right so a car were to hit my body and make sure I was dead?

Able to pull myself away from staring at the highway for a moment I began searching my surroundings, trying to find something to ground me to this world. A cyclist rode by, I hid my face. I didn't want anyone I know to see me like this. I looked up at the beautiful blue sky that aroused no feelings of awe within me. I looked at my feet in my brightly colored running shoes. I looked at the park next to me, the grass a fresh color that only early spring brings about.

And I felt nothing.

My gaze shifted back to the overpass I was standing on and back to the only thoughts I had, ending my life. But I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to be over and it was the only solution my brain was showing me.

Think of your kids, I tell myself.

I felt nothing.

What good is a mother that's constantly sick and suffering, my mind rationalizes with me. What does it show them to constantly see that their mother is going through hell with no end in sight?

Think of your husband.

I felt nothing.

Think of everyone, anyone, I scream to myself. Still, I felt nothing.

The cars aren't frequent enough. Someone would stop and the chances of me surviving the fall are too great. I stare down at the highway below me and I can see my twisted body laying on the concrete, injured, bleeding. Dead.

Without thinking I put my hand on the chainlink fence. My foot comes up but I'm able to stop it and put it back down on the ground. I don't want to be injured, I just want this pain to end. I want the medications, the depression, the thoughts of self harm, the invasive thoughts, the hopelessness- I want all of that to end.

I would do anything for relief.

My hand falls off the fence, I turn away and start putting one foot in front of the other, grinding my teeth as I do. What am I living for? How is this going to get any better?

It doesn't matter. I just have to keep going. I have to keep walking, walking away from the overpass. I can't reason my way out of suicide so I have to just keep moving.

I finally make it to the gym and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Do they know they're looking at a dead person walking? Do they know how close I just was to another story on the evening news? I try to guess how many would see it as a coward move and how many might understand the horror that is your own mind trying to kill you. I'm a walking statistic, nothing more.

I'm ok. I have a plan to go to inpatient if my health deteriorates any further. I called my doctor shortly after this incident and they have switched my medication. I wanted to share this incident because suicide is a very real part of my mental health struggle that I haven't talked about in a very long time.

This incident happened to me today and it scared the shit out of me once I was able to come back to my senses. I was in the middle of a run inside the VCU gym when I started bawling uncontrollably and had to leave the gym. All of my thoughts centered around ending my life for a period of 2 days before I was able to catch on. I've had several medication switches lately and with nothing working my mind seemed to deteriorate without giving ny warning signs.

I would like to reiterate that I'm currently ok and not a threat to myself BUT if for any reason that changes I've already contacted people that will help make sure I'm put into an inpatient facility if it comes to that.

Thanks for reading