I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I Must Become The Lion Hearted Girl

My biggest problem throughout my life is asking for help. I've had no one to rely on except for myself growing up and I did the best I could for a severely bipolar child dealing with severe physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. It's always been me against the world. If I had learned how to ask and accept other people's help I would have saved myself a world of trouble but the first 13 years of my life didn't afford me that option.

Throughout my therapy and self reflection I've learned the beginnings of that concept. Maybe it's ok to take someone up on their offer to carry some of the boxes that are crushing my spine? Maybe it's ok to allow myself to cry on a shoulder that is offered to me? Maybe one day I will learn to reach out for these things before hand? It's not pride. It's all I've ever know. The power of me.

But that system is faulty. I CAN"T do everything by myself regardless of what I convince myself of. I tried to deal with being bipolar on my own and ended up making it 100x worse with the wrong Dr, the wrong meds, and the wrong coping skills. I have no medical degree so I need to reach out to those who do.

 In order to understand receiving I've been teaching myself giving first. I would rather be helping bring someone else's boxes up the stairs, I rather have a tear soaked shoulder for now. It's hard to rewrite 30 years of programming but luckily it's far from impossible. I need to learn when to ask for help because that trigger doesn't naturally go off in my head. "Hey can you hand me that?" in my world is "hey, move out of the way- I need to grab that."

My plan is to turn into a self sufficient person that gives and receives, find a balance in between the give and take experience. I currently give a place for bipolar sufferers and their loved ones to find understanding. I give my personal experiences so others don't feel bad about themselves and will seek treatment. I give my neck to the chopping block so others can feel empowered. I give my time and energy to anyone who needs an ear to listen or someone who just gives a fuck. I give my art to this world- not just my personal paintings but the ideas of others who need my talent in order to make their ideas come alive. I give myself because it's what I can offer freely and willingly.

I give this because I can.

But now I must to learn how to ask because I need it.

I have started a Youcaring.com fundraiser in order to help with my medical bills. The treatment I need in order to give back in the future is what I need help with. Living in Pittsburgh had granted me the opportunity to go to the UPMC Bipolar Institute- something that I couldn't have imagined. They specialize in bipolar and work with medication and life management skills. This isn't a Dr I go to see every once in a while and report to him how I've been. They keep track of me, my moods, and the meds so they can fix any problems before they start. No more emergency room visits after being on the wrong medication for 3 months. This is something I need in order to get past this stage in my recovery. It will not be forever.

The opportunity I currently have here is like no other and I must do what I can.

I will be putting up my new Etsy site as another way to support me- I'll post an update once that's complete.

I am an artist- feel free to contact me for special commissions, that helps me out the most.

 I also have an Amazon Wish List- all items are supplies for my Etsy shop and art career only. These are not personal items.

I will use this opportunity to overcome the complications of living with bipolar, become successful, and more importantly give back with more to offer the world.

Thank you for reading


  1. Thanks for sharing this, I suffer from the same problem of asking for help and just recently did. I can't help a whole lot due to a messy divorce that I made but I got you something from your Amazon wishlist that will hopefully help you make something great for Etsy :)

  2. I went to the UPMC ADHD Institute to help with balancing PTSD and ADHD. I have a car and would love to see you before I move August 1st.

    You can do this.

    Also - talk to one of the social workers from UPMC - they have financial assistance programs for the uninsured/under insured that can help decrease the overall cost. I can only imagine how expensive things are getting.

    1. I'm all about meeting up :) email me madbikewoman@gmail.com
      I'm looking into the financial help but even with that it only takes a bit away. I'm still sitting on a pretty big pile of bills at this point.