I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Dog eat Dog

I got a new dog. She's a 9.5 month old frenchie pit bull mix and was completely unexpected, like an unplanned pregnancy. We got her from the pound and she's perfect in every way- housebroken (mostly), super relaxed, listens well, learns very easily, loves affection, doesn't chew on anything, plays well with the other dogs, doesn't chase cats, loves car rides, and about 1000 other things that make a dog perfect.

She's also came into my life during the worst bipolar episode I've had since being diagnosed and medicated. Something's happened and I don't know if the catalyst is chemical, environmental, or cerebral. What I do know is that my symptoms have become overwhelming and unmanageable- mostly because I have no way to denominate these new emotions- not quite anxiety, not quite depression, nothing in the apogees that are bipolar depression or mania.

I'm easily confused by simple events or thoughts. I wake up and don't feel like myself or feel any connection to my physical surroundings. They're visually familiar, as if I've seen them in a movie once a long time ago. My many alarm clocks in the morning don't register as marking a significant point in my schedule. Their existence is confusing because I can't correlate time and my physical being. Time doesn't mean anything, my brain won't recognize it. I NEED to feel connected to the concept of time, most people don't function without it and I certainly can't.

My sense of time is usually bad (worst in the world) but that's because I'm easily distracted. That's why I have a watch and a billion alarms set on my phone for my mornings. My chorus of punctuality looks like this:

6:00: wake up
6:15: out of bed, brush teeth, make bed
6:30: getting dogs ready for walk
6:45: walking dogs, letting me know to be home in 15 min or less
7:00: feeding dogs
7:15: pulling out work out weights and mat
7:30: workout break, folding laundry
7:45: finish workout and fumble around with whatever your ADHD says to
8:00: get in shower
8:30: put makeup on
9:00: catch up on news and social media
9:30: go to work

None of that is interesting and I promise I didn't type that out in order to punish you. The point is to show the strict morning schedule I set for myself, and it's been like that for a while. It's the same thing, every morning, every day so my body and mind are used to it- it's like breathing and blinking at this point. That is until the switch got flipped. Now my alarms scare me when they go off, I can't connect with them as reference points in which certain tasks need to be done. I wake up unable to consociate my life and reality. I can't start my day because some sort of essential program in my brain has crashed.

404 life not found

I've never had that before. I've disconnected and disassociated before, that's some scary stuff, but what is happening now is different. I am able to channel my mind enough to communicate (that doesn't always happen during the bad times) but actually feeling in tune with my life isn't happening. New dog, great husband, same loving, internet addicted children, same awesome job in the cycling industry, everything is good. Everything is healthy and steady as ever.

Except my brain.

I'm suffering like I've never experienced before, not the worst I've ever experienced fortunately, but the worst since my diagnosis almost 4 years ago. And this is different. These symptoms have no precedence and are too intense to function with. I've been through a lot of therapy for self management but nothing prepared me for this.

I am not at a functioning state currently. As I'm typing this the setting sun is setting off my anxiety and the paratrophic sensation of mental disassociation. Any change of any kind sets these feelings off.

I know who I am, I just don't know who's life I wake up to every morning. I don't know these emotions I'm beleaguered with. I'm just trying to survive this episode and return back to any sense of familiarity.

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