I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Demons to Some, Angels to Others

I have to start this post off by saying that I am a very loving indifferent atheist. I passionately believe everyone has the right to worship or not worship who/whatever they want. Doesn't make you right but it doesn't make you wrong. I attach lovingly indifferent to that tittle because I don't care to disprove or argue with other people about their beliefs. Frankly- I just don't care. That's your business, not mine.

Religion is a very touchy subject- I understand this.

With that being said I'm going to talk about bipolar and personal beliefs. I've been reading Bipolar Victory by Ray and Linda Sturt and outside of it being a very good read it got me thinking quite a bit about the connection between bipolar and spiritual beliefs. Ray, Linda, and their two sons are very religious. They believe very deeply in the bible, it's message, and are completely devoted to living their lives according to their Christian faith. They express how that was what they held onto in order to survive all of the struggles with living with bipolar. I enjoy their story and how their faith is very much ingrained in all of the battles life has to throw at them.

That's their story. It has been told by their point of view- I enjoy and respect that.

Ray and Linda are two of the nicest people you'll meet. When I got a chance to meet them they were very warm and welcoming to myself and a friend of mine. I'm not a conventional looking kind of woman and my friend who accompanied me that day was scaring the children walking by with his outfit. The Sturts didn't even seem to notice. Absolutely wonderful people. They believe that their Christian faith is what healed Ray and their family from the bipolar monster and other tragedies they have had to deal with throughout their married lives together.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm a fan of science and what is true right in front of me.

I believe bipolar is a product of evolution. I don't know if it's a flaw or if it once served a purpose when we were a primitive nomadic peoples. I like the theory that it is genetic- passed down from generation to generation. My grandmother was bipolar. She self medicated with alcohol most of her life and eventually heroin before committing suicide. My oldest daughter (9 years old) has it. I can see me in her, it's like I'm watching myself grow up- mood swings and all. My father had it. Most of the people I know who have it tend to have another relative with bipolar or relatives that could be but they are undiagnosed.

I don't believe in a higher power so I have to rely on myself in the darker battles against the disorder. I don't believe that an evil force is what causes it. I don't buy into the good vs evil or that things in life are that clear cut- black and white. Life is mostly all grey areas. Everything is situational to me.

Some times having a belief system seems like it could make it easier to get through this for some. Whether or not it's "correct" is not my purpose here. I imagine being able to trust your physical, mental, and spiritual well being to a higher power could definitely provide a level of comfort and relief otherwise difficult to find. An external entity that you can share your inner turmoil with. Something or someone that is ideally perfect- detached from your suffering as a faulty human. Especially if it's perceived as loving or forgiving. I think humans need and want to believe- it provides comfort, purpose and answers. That concept has always been part of the human psyche. We have always worshiped or had faith something, whether is was a handful of sticks or a king in the sky. The human imagination knows no bounds.

 I believe in managing this disorder and living out a successful and happy life. That is what I hold onto in my good times and bad. It's not quite as in depth as a spiritual belief but it provides comfort and determination when I need it. It's something I cannot currently prove, just like any spiritual belief.

I don't care for faith, god, or spiritual conquests. There is no current way to know why we are here or where we go after death. I've accepted this as fact and have moved on. It seems irrelevant to how I live my life. That doesn't mean my life and actions aren't governed by rules and standards. I'm not going to kill anyone or take cash out of some one's wallet. Though my own rationalization, application of forethought, and social conditioning I have come to understand empathy, the consequences of my actions, and general concern for my fellow man. It's ever evolving just like I am but there is a system in place.

Bipolar is hard. You're already burdened with trying to survive the horrors of your own mind, I can imagine trying to understand the "why" in all of this could be torture to some people. It makes sense that one would want answers they could believe in and find relief in.

Personally I don't care "why." I'm fixated on moving forward and managing this chemical brain parasite. I believe it's science, it happened somewhere along the line and has been passed down, and that is what life gave me. It's genetic chance.


Thank you for reading

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