If There's a Future We Want It

I'm having overwhelming emotions tonight but some of them are the right ones. I'm feeling remorseful, very sad, and vulnerable. A lot of loss- a very deep stinging sense of loss. But at the same time that has kick started some determination and purpose inside of me. I have to reorganize my life and it's going to be painful and there will be casualties. I have to get back in contact with my needs and remember that I can't please everyone. I need stability more than pleasure. Most of all I have to remember that I have bipolar disorder and I have to live my life according to a different set of guide lines. It's a difficult and painful process but the rewards are greater than most people could possibly hope for, even with an emotionally stable life.

I can't keep feeding this depression. I'm letting apathy control me. That sounds impossible unless you've been there. Your ability to exist but care very little is a slow but powerful force. I've neglected myself, my environment, and my ability to act when I have needed to. I haven't been setting my boundaries nor have I been true to myself. The internal conversations I have in order to keep myself in check have dried up- mostly because I didn't like what I heard. I have been running away from my problems in the form of inaction.

I am terrified of what I have to face now. Emotions can be crippling to me- my whole life has been haunted by an extreme and over powering amount of emotions that have the ability to take me down when they want to. I have dealt with so much and my mind hasn't wanted to deal with them any more. 

I am vulnerable and scared but I am not weak.

I'm in Arlington VA after seeing Paramore with a great friend. They have a song that hits home with me and it's been part of my silly but very helpful self encouragement soundtrack I created in my head. When I heard that song tonight I felt the apathetic part of me. My response wasn't as powerful as it should have been. Something had a grip on me and I realized it was my minds current addiction to nothing.

I am not and will not be an apathetic person. My disorder chose that emotion or lack there of as a defense mechanism and it's holding me back. I didn't choose this chemically fucked brain but it's my choice to deal with it or not. 

When life gives you coal- crush it into diamonds.

Thank you for reading and goodnight.

Title to this post is from Paramore's song "Now."