I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Nowhere to run

I'm running on pure anxiety at this point. My entire life is being shaped, molded, and controlled by it. Daily life has become excruciating. My fight or flight reflex is going off 24 hours a day and I'm in a constant state of fear. Because my brain's natural response is avoidance, I try to go out of the house so I don't make things worse by isolating myself. I tried to take one of my dogs to the pet store but she was pulling so hard on the leash that I could barely control her. It had my adrenaline levels shooting through the roof. I was psychologically overwhelmed by fear and the feeling of hopelessness. I so badly wanted a car to speed through the parking lot and hit me. I wanted the leash pulling to end, I wanted the anxiety to end, I wanted the invasive thoughts to end, I wanted the sleepless nights full of nightmares to end, I wanted the fact that I will never escape this illness to end. 

I would never jump in front of a car, and I don't have impulses to self harm, but at that moment I wanted something to give me relief and I was begging the universe to provide it for me in the form of a freak accident.

The new dog, Annie, and I got as far as the sliding doors before the feeling of needing to vomit became too much. I tried. I really gave it all I could, I just feel awful that the best I had was getting from the car to the front sidewalk of a Petco. I become fearful and operate on pure instinct and my brain always chooses flight. I can't get inside a pet store with my dog.

I have something in my head that can overtake my ability to function to the point where I can't do something as simple as walk inside of a pet store. This is bipolar disorder and it can eat you alive.

I love my dogs and the new puppy, but I can't cope with simple things like dogs pulling on a leash. I've tried for years to get my current 2 dogs to walk properly on a leash and I've been trying to teach the puppy but whatever it is I'm doing has to be counter productive because the new dog is worse than she was when we got her. I can't walk them properly now because my mental state is an rotten mess. Animals sense emotions and being someone who is bipolar and currently going through a very unstable period, my dogs' behaviour reflects my disastrous state of mind.

I often just stand on the side of the street with my dogs and cry. 

I just want to walk my dogs but this disorder took that away from me.

Walks when it's dark out are miserable. I have to walk each dog individually because they are worse when together. At night they will cower, whine, and startle easily. One of them can get aggressive with other passer byes and other animals because he's so scared and nervous. I feel absolutely awful about this. Trying to take care of my animals has turned into constant reminders that I currently have no emotional stability or control over my life.

I took a 2 week medical leave from work because I basically had a bipolar nervous breakdown of sorts. I'm tired and can't handle the anxiety and mixed episodes. The period of anticonvulsant medication withdrawals plus lithium's side effects have worn me down. It's been over 5 months and I've had no relief. Add some stress in there and what I am now is the final result.

A broken down woman who's slowly finding it harder and harder to believe this will eventually get better.

Someone suggested getting on disability pay but I feel like I'm still able to work, and it also doesn't pay shit. Understandably so, it's meant to help someone survive, not maintain a lifestyle. I have an iPhone and 3 dogs that constantly convince me they need new toys every other day. Disability isn't an option for me right now, hopefully it will never have to be.

I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up because of the anxiety. Nothing brings me any joy and everything feels like a threat. Every little sudden movement or sound makes me nervous and I often jump back from being so suddenly startled. It's a nightmare. It's a constant state of fear and I'm stuck in it 24/7.

I'm actually able to get to the grocery store by myself (which was impossible until 2 or so weeks ago) but I realized it's because I'm stuck in my own mental bubble. Social anxiety hasn't been a problem because it takes external forces (like other people) in order to activate it. Now my anxiety has evolved to no longer need and external cause. So now I'm experiencing the same elevated level of fear whether other people are involved or not. There's no safe place, nowhere to hide, and no escaping it. Every moment of my day is like walking on a mix of glass shards and salt, except it's in the form of involuntary emotions.

Not even writing this gives me any relief.

Thanks for reading


  1. Hey babe, I love you and support you first and foremost. I know you are an extremely active person, but definitely take a moment to look into some remote jobs that might help you manage things away from people. It's truly what has save my life - there are days I can't get out of bed, but I can still work and this has been incredibly freeing for me. Also, don't be afraid of looking into non-profits and jobs that work in Mental Health Advocacy. You are a hero of mine and I appreciate your honesty and candor. Don't ever forget that if people are able to view you as a distillation, then those people are NOT worth your time. <3 you. Hang in there, the pendulum will swing back <3

  2. I know this is beside the point entirely but it's maybe a tiny solution to a side issue that's feeding the bigger issues. I have a pit too and he pulls on the leash. We went with the gentle leader and instantly resolved the problem. Walks became pleasant, even relaxing. So, what I'm trying to acknowledge is that I think it is wonderful that you're trying to find healthy ways to overcome your struggles; and, if dog walking is one method, why not make it as easy as possible? The gentle leader. Seriously.

    In the meantime, you're not alone. We're here for you. Keep speaking up!

    1. I'm really glad you said something about this. I had been thinking about using them but I wasn't sure. Once I get some extra money I'm going to have to invest in 3 of them. Thank you so much!