I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Thursday, December 22, 2016

One Day

I don't want to say I'm losing it because my meds and moods are stable but life is starting to come dangerously close to chipping away at them.

I was fired after my boss found my blog and vlog about living with bipolar. Nothing my disorder did or behavior it caused, or even my work performance, but simply having a mental illness and him reading and watching a small piece of my reality, something that all bipolar people go through.

He saw a tiny, minuscule fraction of what I’ve dealt with my whole life and got scared. That’s why I’m a fighter and a hard ass- I have to be. You don’t live this long with this disorder without having some thick, nasty scars.

No job, finances that were already strained due to a 2 week medical leave, car inspection due with bad breaks and 4 bald tires, expensive car payment for a car that isn’t worth a quarter of what I bought it for because of my bad credit at the time, doctor visits, medication, food, dog food, and a million other things are starting to eat away the pillars that stabilize me. Sleep seems to be my stress’s new target. Only getting 3-5 hours each night isn’t helping my mental state, and I panic before bedtime for some reason. Knowing I have to go to sleep but my situation hasn't improved each day causes really bad anxiety.

I’m trying to contact local news channels to get my story out. I need a job but just like anyone with a disability, I have limitations. The balancing act between staying stable and recovering from the past 6 months leaves me unable to take just anything. It's a psychological disability and I'm not being selfish or lazy- I'm setting myself up to better maintain a job and make wise decisions in every aspect of my life.

The financial strain and me unable to take just any job offered makes me feel like I'm being one of "those people," but I know I'm not and that my motivation is completely reasonable for my disorder and for my future. But the "you're ungrateful, lazy, and selfishly asking for free money," is hard to fight off. I could take that kind of judgement easier from a stranger than I can from my own brain.

I may be losing my mind right now but I feel like achieving my short term goals will dictate the outcome. Do I take a warehouse job that will crush my sanity, take up valuable time, get fired because of my inability to do the job or quit because of a psychological breakdown? What I need to do is stay focused, keep moving forward, take care of myself, and be ok with asking for help, because I do need it.

I want everyone who donated their hard earned money to understand that it wasn’t just a donation, it’s an investment in someone who suffers from mental illness and someone who WILL become a success story. I have long term goals that will help my predicament so I won’t have to make it a habit for asking for help in monetary form. I’m not a “bandaid on a severed leg” kind of gal, I look at the bigger picture because if I don’t like something then I don’t want to end up in the same situation again.

Anyone who contributes needs a reward, not just a typed out "thank you" message. I want to make sure the person who donates hundreds of dollars to the people that donate $5 can eventually see where their contribution went to. One day I’ll be able to say that your 5$, $20, $50, $100 or more donation directly boosted me into success. You’ll be able to look at me and say “holy shit, I helped her get there. I was a part of that” If I play my cards right and keep myself healthy I’ll end up on top. I’ll be fighting some serious battles to get there but I’m determined.

Thanks for reading

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