I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Friday, June 14, 2013

My Mother Warned Me About Getting Into Cars With Strange Men

I've made a lot of progress; I can’t believe I've come this far. I am battling against 30 years of a disorder I didn't know I had or didn't understand and I’m only 7 months into recovery. I was diagnosed when I was 13 but it just seemed too easy the way the Dr threw it at me. Stuck me on Prozac and I ended up worse. They stuck me on Welbutrin and it got worse. They decided I was ADHD and that was it. I went through years of therapy to deal with my past and Adderall seemed to fix what ever the initial chemical deficiency was. I wasn't educated in the disorder- this was 17 years ago. The science and understanding behind it has jumped light years ahead since then and I’m benefiting from it this go around.

When I was re-diagnosed I was 27, it made sense but I didn't do my research- I didn't take it serious outside of taking the meds and thinking that was good enough. I was terribly wrong and that’s why I eventually went off my meds- I literally didn't know any better. After 27 years of being completely under the control of the disorder there was no way I was capable of understanding the gravity of it all. I could never have guessed how bad my case was and the parasite will literally try to preserve itself. It doesn't want me to get healthy.

I've had a failed marriage and several failed long term relationships. I didn't do anything directly affecting these to cause the deterioration that inevitable came. I just thought I kept choosing the wrong person. It happens- not everyone is meant for each other and despite how I tried or how much effort I put into it they ultimately failed. It was the disorder but I didn't really have a super realistic investment in them anyway. It never bothered me because I was able to keep head strong and move forward. It happens.

When I started dating Randy I wasn't ready for what eventually came out of that relationship. It drove me into a whirlwind of self destruction. I couldn't fix myself- I sure as shit couldn't take on his problems. It became a terrible contribution to my decline in mental health. It’s not his fault- he didn't know any better and I was impossible to deal with and if anyone was unable to deal with me he would be it. As I come to understand myself and the disorder I place less and less blame on him. There were some pretty bad physical altercations between us- I ended up on the bad end of those every time. He cheated on me and it was way more than I could have guessed or dealt with. He’s a simple creature. I never thought he was stupid- he’s just way more fragile than anyone knows and more than I could have guessed.

That relationship is in the past. The healthier I get the more I realize we were just a bad combination. Both good people but driven insane by each other’s issues. I've forgiven him a long time ago but he can’t be a part of my life and not a part of my recovery. The disorder developed an unhealthy emotional dependency with him. Staying with him long after it was obvious it would have been beneficial for us to part ways was a reflection of my inability to discern healthy emotions from unhealthy ones. I don't pity myself- through all of that I have something to help me identifying all the ways my disorder can manifest itself. It was bad but it’s good for my recovery to understand why it happened and why things went so wrong.

Bipolar people have a very little chance of maintaining a long term relationship. I have faced this fact and I have had to take this on head first.

I've found someone I want to be a part of my life- the healthy one I’m creating. I’m finally figuring out who I am and where I want to go in life and managing my disorder is key to possibly having any chance of a successful life. A logical, artistic, and talented person. I would never have guessed someone of Johnny’s caliber would have fought for me and stayed as strong as he has. He was the sole reason I went back on meds, the reason I took Dorian’s class, and the driving force behind my difficult but fast recovery.

I don’t have to sing his praise- it’s very obvious the positive effect he’s had in my life and anyone who knows him or in someway takes notice of him knows he’s a solid person with a good head on his shoulders. When I fucked up my meds for the past 2+ months he was there for me. It was tough and took a pretty hard toll on both of us. It’s terrifying to watch someone you love be effected this drastically by something you can’t control but try to so desperately. He went to Dr’s visits with me to get my meds fixed- he would hold me while I cried not knowing why everything in my life felt so awful. He held me when he found about my suicide attempt I had in February- something I tried to hide from him. He felt terrible that this was something I had to go through. He did his research to try and understand the disorder and helped educate me. These things I could never have imagined anyone would be capable or strong enough to help me through and stay by my side. His family has been amazingly supportive and there for me when I would assume no one would be. I have never felt more welcome anywhere as I have with his family. I can never repay them for what they gave me. I’m still amazed with these people and my love and appreciation of them will never fade away.

I have had a very bad 2+ months after my meds were getting fucked up. It sent me into rapid cycling and I became a complete emotional basket case. I physically and emotionally isolated myself. I was too sick to realize this. I was reading everything I could but I couldn't understand why everything seemed so wrong. Some days I would be so manic that nothing mattered but my irrational narcissistic needs. I was be so nasty to be around that I could barely stand being around myself. We avoided each other at almost any cost. I was so depressed at times I would explode into hour long fits of crying and freaking out. I was literally losing my mind and he had to take the brunt of it. He still stuck with me. He wanted to get me to the right Dr’s and make sure I get on the right meds. I could never express how much I appreciated this and I was incapable of showing my gratitude. I was under the complete control of the imbalanced chemicals in my brain.

My paranoia exploded. There was nothing in my world that was ok. Every little thing he did was some terrible act against me- my fucked up mind had convinced me of this. There was no way he could interact with me without triggering a nasty reaction in my brain. Every day I was filled with more and more guilt. I knew things were wrong but my mind had convinced me it was him. I had plenty of moments of clarity but they were fleeting and the mania would start back up again. It had convinced me that he was the source of all my problems.

It was far from true. He was the source of my success and progress. I was too sick to see this. The Dr gave me the wrong medication and I have to answer for it. Mania isn't fun- it comes with paranoia, psychosis, a constant state of irritation, and it destroys lives. It destroys relationships.

It has destroyed mine.

I’m now off the meds that were fucking me up worse than before I was medicated. I’m in therapy learning how to live a successful and healthy life. I’m learning how to have successful interpersonal relationships. I've done a complete 180 from the past couple months. I feel like myself and it’s amazing. I understand the warning signs and have learned so much and am prepared to move forward with my life.

Possibly a life without Johnny in it.

It took too much out of him. I don’t blame him but there is nothing worse than coming into who I am, learning how to live a functional life, having the ability to see a bright future, having a heart that is overflowing with love and affection- and not having the one thing I was fighting so hard for. I finally figured out how to open the door into a wonderful life and it’s not what I wanted.

Nothing hurts as much as this does. I've fought so hard to get here and when I finally start to see the finish line it a lot less rewarding than I hoped. If I had gotten help a week earlier I wouldn't be where I’m at. There would have to be a lot of repairs made but I wouldn't have walked into a world without him by my side.

I have been unable to cope with this. I feel terrible that all his time, effort, sweat, and tears might have brought him nothing but stress and misery. There might be no pay off for him.I am back into my healthy mind but I am unable to experience the love and affection I wanted so desperately. 

I never took him for granted. I am someone who suffers from an emotional and behavioral disorder that can be crippling to those who love me.

 He’s been pushed so far from me that I don’t know if I could pull him back. It’s impossible to discern the sickness from the woman he loved. It’s still my body, mind, and actions that have affected him regardless if it's a sick person.

I am becoming of sound mind- I’m learning how to handle myself, the disorder, and getting close attention to make sure my meds are regulated and I’m not caught into another cycle like I had been stuck in. I’m getting all the help I need but its heart wrenching.

I have stepped into a world that I am capable of handling but lost what I wanted most.

I'm ready to play but the ball isn't in my court.

Thank you for reading


  1. My parasite systematically and completely destroyed my 3-year relationship with my last boyfriend (as well as pretty much every other interpersonal relationship in my life). I try to be all silver-lining about it, but it still hurts, and hurts bad. We were engaged and I was sure he was The One. In retrospect, he was ill-equipped and unable to deal with my disorder in the way that I needed him to. He simply couldn't be the emotional support that I needed, and I put him through more than any significant other should ever be expected to go through. I don't blame him for leaving, I just wish he would have stayed just a little bit longer to see me gain better control of myself.

    You're absolutely right about the parasite's sense of self-preservation. It pushes away the people who could actually help us beat it, so that it can remain in control.

    Now we just have to learn how to push back.

  2. You can do this.

    This parasite destroyed my sister's life as she saw it. What she doesn't see is the amazingly strong person that has survived it all. I keep trying to get her to read your blog - you two are the same age, and it would provide her with so much encouragement.

    If you can give me ideas of how someone, a sibling, could tell their sibling "you're so crazy f*cking talented! Believe me!" and actually have them believe you... let me know.

    1. I'm working on that idea. I've had a lot of people come to me with that. I wish I has listened prior but it's hard. Let me look into this and then put my thoughts into and see what we can come up with. Show her the posts of my horrible drawings first lol.