Monday, June 24, 2013
My biggest non-serious fear was that taking the meds would change who I am, turn me normal. I would replace my entire wardrobe with pastels and khakis.
They haven't but I have been evolving. My priorities have changed, what I'm wearing doesn't really matter as much. I still dress like me- dr martin knee high boots, black torn shorts, black tank tops but the difference is I don't care about all the shit I use to. I threw away my costume contacts, I gave away all my belts with chains and shit on them. I've retired my platform stompy boots. I still have all my cut up shirts and I still wear them. I gave away all my gaudy rings and claws. The massive collars and necklaces are gone.
I didn't get rid of these as some sort of initiation ritual or a rite of passage shenanigans. I've just moved into a different direction. I spend most of my time painting, drawing, or one of my crazy athletic hobbies.
I was afraid that I would change but now I understand evolution vs change. I'm in my bike gear most the time but I'm blasting through the streets listening to Sisters Of Mercy or Specimen (on a halloween colored bike). I still hang out in cemeteries but thanks to my psychosis being cleared up I don't feel the dead anymore. I paint dark images and am still drawn to those things. With the anxiety gone I can talk to everyone and anyone. I don't put up those barriers anymore in the form of too many accessories. All that stuff was very much a part of me and it wasn't hollow or some concept of trying too hard. That was what I was genuinely into and it was fun.
Now I'm evolving and the biggest lesson I've learned is that I can't limit myself. I can't look at anything and say "that's who I am." I can look at things and say "that's what I enjoy." The anxiety kept me latched onto things but the girl typing this right now is ready to experience the whole world.
I'm not worried about who I am anymore- I found her and she seems pretty cool.
Thanks for reading