I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Monday, June 3, 2013

I Never Wanted To Cease To Exist, Just Disappear- Part 1

This is going to be one of the hardest posts I make.


1 out of 3 people with bipolar attempt suicide.

Mortality from suicide in bipolar people is 18%-25%

It usually happens in the depression stages.

I have rapid cycling. I can have a depressive state a couple times a day, a couple times a week, a couple times a month, or a couple times a year. Some years I've had none but since 2010 it's happened more and more frequently.

This is the most recent suicide note I've left.

I've left one other that was almost just like this. I don't really remember. I had taken a lot of muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, pain killers, and alcohol.

It didn't work that time because I was too healthy. I ate right, worked out regularly, and got plenty of sleep so my body was able to pull through, albeit sick and sleepy for a week.

I'm glad it didn't work that time or the time I wrote this note.


I'm not a weak person. I never want to kill myself. I never even think about that possibility. The world is tough, difficult, and full of shit but I never let that get me down. I'm always fighting and doing it with a smile.

It's a direct product of the parasite.

I have a hair trigger self destruct button and I hate it.

I've lost countless friends to suicide directly related to bipolar. Most important of all I lost my grandmother to suicide. She was as bipolar as I am. Same type. Same frequency of episodes.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't want to be that person. I want a success story.

I have 2 daughters- my oldest (8 years old) has the disorder. She has my severe version of it.

I want a success story for my children and especially for my daughter Faye.

I have to show her that no matter what mommy's tough and she can be tougher.

Every goddamn day I fight for a better life. Every waking moment I pull myself up thinking "it could always be worse." I surround myself with awesome people, I have a lot of potential in everything I do, I love taking care of myself and my body, and I have a great family (some of it chosen, some of it blood).

I love life. I genuinely do.

When the depression hits this low it's unbearable.

It's a different level of depression when this hits.

 The wreckage inside of me is overwhelming and almost instantaneous. My thoughts race, my body feels weak, and the parasite digs it's tentacles in like a corkscrew.

Racing thoughts are a huge problem with bipolar and I have then when in any bad cycle. My brain works 100x faster than most people's. Doesn't always make me smarter- just makes for almost no patience, impulsive behavior, and really bad self control. When the depression gets going my mind races incredibly fast and thinks of every challenge in my life and all the hurdles I've failed to overcome or did poorly.

It piles everything on top of me at once. A couple mile long landfill constructed and filled to the brim in a couple of moments.

The sane part of me- the person who I really am is gone. I am nowhere to be found. This level of the disorder is the only time that voice inside me isn't screaming and trying to get out. Dead silence except for every bit of frustration and pain I'm going through and have gone through. A lifetime of struggle brought to the surface in seconds. Solutions to life's problems are a long hall of open doors- violently throwing themselves shut. Options transform into dead ends.

This is not me. That person is mentally sick. That is the parasite. It wants full control or it wants me dead.

I do not get overwhelmed and give up. I am not weak.

I have a severe chemical imbalance. My mind tries to destroy itself.

I would never choose to end my life.

It's the single most horrific aspect of the disorder.

When I'm ok and sane it's terrifying when I think about it. It's the same fear as having someone set on trying to kill you. Walking down a dark alley that someone has tried to shoot you in before- and that person might still be there.

Someone is trying to kill me and I don't want to die.

I'm scared of that person and rightfully so. I'm scared because I'm not around when that person surfaces.

I cannot defend myself.

I do not want to die. I have no desire to cease living. I do not want to damage myself nor the people around me who love me. I would never think twice of doing that.

There will be another post to continue this story but for now I have to put this down.

This is incredibly difficult for me. This is the first time I've ever talked about this and strangely enough I'm telling the whole world.




This disorder isn't pretty. It's not something I'm proud of. I am not proud of where it's taken me.

I will one day be proud of where I take myself

I will survive this.

Thank you for reading.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this story! Wishing you all success in your struggle with this disorder, as a fellow sufferer, and a sucker for a strong female. You are a warrior!

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    1. Thank you! I'm fighting hard and I and I hope you are too. I am a warrior queen!!! lol! But seriously thank you

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  2. Thank you, for putting into words things I've been struggling to explain for years. You manage to communicate *exactly* how it feels. It makes my heart ache reading this because I've been there, am there, will continue to be there... but at least now I know I'm not there alone. Seriously. This got ultra sappy, sorry, but I mean it - I'm so glad you're writing this.

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  3. I love you! this is beautiful. you SHOULD be a success story. Youve got plenty of positive people, I hope, around you that are willing to help you through your depressed cycles. I know it's not easy, and I know it's not easy for other to be there for you...especially with the stresses of THEIR life. But some times all you need is someone to be there for you no matter what. a real friend? which is yourself.

    You're a strong woman. and no, bipolar is not curable, but it IS manageable. I hope you pull through this so that you never feel this down again.

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  4. Baby... your a firework!.. I too have the exact same feelings, :(

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  5. Thank you for nothing. I've been fighting the same things since I was a child. You're one of the people who helped make life less bearable. You were awful to me. I had no idea it was you I was following. It makes me feel hollow inside. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Maybe you won't hurt anyone else.

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    1. I've been fighting this my whole life as well, but the purpose of this blog to share the process of me overcoming those things.. Thanks for nothing? I'm curious as to what you believe I owe you, or anyone else in life OWES you, ever. I would feel terrible too if I felt people owed me or were somehow responsible for my self worth. I was awful to you? So someone who was diagnosed bipolar, not until 30 years of age, and prone to mania was awful to you and you're surprised? You do realize bipolar behaviour isn't a choice, and it's symptoms are found in what appears to be chosen actions, and we especially suffer in our social interactions. Healthy interpersonal relationships are something I had to learn how to have and maintain. Finding something worth following in my blog somehow makes you feel hollow once you discovered it was written by me? So if it was a complete stranger you could find empathy? I was terrible to a handful of people, but those who have given me the time of day understand the difference between the person I was and the person I am today that I wronged in some way have received an apology. I have made amends where necessary but those that haven't been possible do not keep me from sleeping at night. No one owes me forgiveness. No one owes me a goddamn thing for what the mentally sick person I once was did, but their friendship and forgiveness are more than appreciated when it happens. I've been hurt by others as well, more people than I care to recall, but that is my past. Whether it was my fault or not, I have the responsibility to learn from my past in order to construct the healthy and well balanced woman that I am today and will continue to build upon. Maybe I wont hurt anyone else? Of course I will, I'm bipolar- I will never be completely symptom free. Ever. But my goal is to keep my symptoms under control and make fast amends with those who are unfortunately subjected to my mood swings.

      If you feel awful from what someone does, and you're able to carry it for this long, you are allowing yourself to feel like a victim. I use to do this too, but through my process (and a heavy amount of therapy and self reflection) I found my previous statement to be 100% true. I allowed myself to let those people and situations hurt me long after they were over. Since you're bent on criticism and feeling like the victim of a cruel encounter or encounters instead of reconciling, I have nothing to offer you. I can't apologize or explain a situation that I have no knowledge of.

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