Thursday, May 16, 2013
Digesting the External
I've been off for almost two weeks now. That's a long fucking time to not have control over yourself and left wondering what's coming next. Now I am having physical complications but I have no idea if they're related or not. I'm dizzy, I always feel on the verge of throwing up, I'm off balance, and I'm getting bad headaches. I want to be in class painting. That is all I currently want out of life right now. The moment I can keep some part of myself together my body starts breaking down.
I wish I knew if they were related. It feels like they are. I have no reason to go from really physically healthy (sleep, excersise, and diet) to unable to stand up. I haven't had everything mentally under control but there haven't been any detrimental outbursts or set backs.
Something isn't right.
It sucks it's all a goddamn guessing game. I wish it was as simple as diagnosing a cold or a cavity. It would be nice to make some solid sense of it. Science could look and see which chemical reactors or receivers are malfunctioning and pump some more science in there and fix it.
Emotions are the most volatile and unpredictable elements in my life. The real me- the person that isn't driven by an external host- is very logical and relies on emotion very little. I can experience empathy, love, and indifference which are fantastic- but they don't control me.
The current state I'm in is difficult. I have to acknowledge that every single emotion I am currently experiencing is wrong. I have to use all of my physical strength to grasp onto that. I have to override the programing the parasite has done and cling desperately to what I need the most- facts. Fucking science. Shit you just can't argue with. I have to remind myself what is going on inside of me is science but what it's doing to me isn't reality. The way I see the world and the way I react to my environment are lies. Well right now they are. Tomorrow I could be back and start painting again, have a kick ass lunch with Johnny, and play my xbox.
Or I could never come back.
I don't know. I never know. This is the science inside of me that makes the monster that is my reality.