I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

First Post, Step 100

This is my first blog which is completely new territory for me. I have a very bad habit of keeping everything inside, which is strange because I live my life like an open book. It's part of the disorder. Every part of my life is a product of what's wrong with me. There are no "normal" days anymore. As awful and depressing it sounds it's a good thing. It's another step towards managing my life, the fact I can recognize, acknowledge, and classify what's wrong. That's been the hardest part- recognizing my thoughts and behavior are being controlled by this parasite. When you're crazy you don't know any better. I've thought this way my whole life, I have nothing to compare it to. Some animals have receptors in their pupils that can pick up different colors that humans can't see. Try to imagine a color you've never seen before. It's impossible. We can understand the concept of other colors existing but we don't have the ability to see or possibly fathom what they look like. That's what it's been for me. I can't imagine what an appropriate human response is. I have no reference. I can watch other people and how they deal with life but I can't crawl inside their head to figure out what chemicals were released and compare it to my malfunctioning brain juices.

 Crazy people don't generally know they're crazy. I knew I was crazy but that's all the information I had. There was no moment where I thought something was wrong with how I reacted to everyday situations. I react appropriately in a logical sense- something that would make anyone mad makes me mad too, something that makes someone sad makes me sad as well. I have appropriate responses but where there's a sign that something is wrong is the level of angry, sad, or even happy that my mind escalates to. Something that would make someone sad can cause me to be depressed and completely incapable of functioning for days, weeks, or months. Another situation where it's appropriate to get angry will set me off into a screaming rage, a violent outburst, and I can hold onto anger for years if my mind wants to.

None of it is fun. None of it is my fault. All of it I take responsibility for.

It's been a heavy burden to always accept responsibility for situations I have no idea why I'm in or how I got there. It's my actions, it's my body, it's my reality, but it didn't feel like anything was truly mine. I know right from wrong and struggled to keep myself under control. I always thought it was a matter of self control. I didn't know what I was doing or how I was reacting was wrong. I just knew where I ended up wasn't where I wanted to be. The end results were wrong and the only common factor was me.

I'm 30 years old and I just started figuring out that something is wrong with me. I am severely bipolar and I have been whole life. Not just that but I have the worst form of bipolar- rapid cycling. It's when you have at least 4 episodes of mania or depression a year. I have them at least once a month, some times weekly- I can even go through a couple a day. I got the shit end of this whole thing.

The only saving grace I have is that I know something is wrong and I want to fix it. I'm willing to accept that everything I do or think may be wrong on one level or another. I want and need to become a functioning person. I don't want to feel sorry for myself or use this disorder as an excuse. There is no cure for bipolar, there is only the possibility of managing it. I have to reorganize my entire life if I am going to have any possibility of success. 

I am literally set up for failure. At a scientific chemical level I am programmed to fail. I'm a flaw in natures design with a hair pin trigger self destruct button.

I will not fail. I refuse to buckle and accept this genetic shit that life took on me. The healthy person inside of me has too much to offer.

Thank you for reading.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. You are a brave and wonderful soul. You also have huge balls for posting this...

    In my experience, living with a person with bipolar, you absolutely can manage this, but, you are right, things in your life will never be "normal" or "average" and that includes how you feel, what you say and how you view the world. In my opinion, this sets you apart from everyone else in a way that makes you capable of seeing things the rest of us never will... and that can be a positive thing. You mentioned that an animal can see colors that we cannot. In the same way, those of us without bipolar can never see what you see and vise verse. This does not have to be a bad thing and in fact it rings true that people with brains that function very differently from the "norm" are typically some of the biggest contributors to society as a whole. They see what the rest of us cannot. They do not feel limits the same way "most" of us do... and it can be very good (when in check). Think of any inventor ever... they were not held by simple notions. They did not agree with the norm. The fought it and proved things about the world, the way we live in it, the universe etc, that everyone else believed was impossible - and in doing so, like a ripple, effected the rest of us. We grew as a group and decided that not only were they right, but what else was there to know? How much farther could be push ourselves? Man did not walk on the moon because we believed we couldn't do it, but the only reason we believed we could, is because Galileo invented a telescope and charted the skies... He was also believed to have psychosis, shunned by society and thought to be crazy because he believed the earth revolved around the sun... who's laughing now...

    Being bipolar requires much self restraint and discipline because the chemical imbalances ignite passion. Filtering that passion into something productive will be your saving grace, but, in my experience can cause a person to become almost reclusive. So, it also requires a very strong and forgiving mate that sees the beauty in you, with all your differences, and wants to see you be your best. It's a tough life, but can be more rewarding in other areas than most will ever know in theirs...

    Now, I am not saying - yay for bipolar - I am saying, this is your life. These are your cards. There is no "wrong" in how you see the world and in fact, can be much beauty and reward. Accept your brain the way it is and find a way to even be grateful for it, there is no way to replace it after-all :) Focus on one thing at a time and continue taking steps toward funneling your feelings into your art, bicycling, photography etc...

    Counseling and medication are both required. Counseling does not have to be forever, but is extremely important in these beginning stages of reorganizing your life. It will help you flush out ideas and thoughts and talk about effective tools to use to help you get through the though times and learning these tools is imperative. Particularly with rapid cycling, medication is important as it is well studied, that those with this type of bipolar are more highly suicidal than those without. Keeping those chemicals as much in check as possible it extremely necessary

    You are young, smart, ambitious, driven and hold more talent in your pinky finger than the majority of people in the world. No joke. You will get where you want to go and my prediction is that you will get even farther than you ever knew you could. Through your journey know that you are loved. We are your family and we are here for you. Never, ever doubt that.

    I will add only that you are not set up for failure, you are set up for success. You know what you want and who you are and that's a frickin hell of a lot more than most. You're on your way...

    Heather <3