I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Do Not Go Into the Light Carol Anne

The depression is subsiding.

This is amazing, awesome, and a great sign. The depression is the hardest to deal with because it renders me useless. I become completely incapable of communicating and when I try it ends in disaster. My mind wont complete thoughts, I'm overly sensitive towards my environment, and I need someone or something to provide comfort that I can't find or doesn't exist. When I'm manic I need to walk away, calm down, take a sedative, and need to be held until I cool down. The manic state is easier for people to be empathetic with because it genuinely looks crazy and regular people can't experience pure mania- they are more willing to sympathize with that end of the bipolar spectrum.

Depression is the part people sympathize or empathize with the least. It comes across as being lazy or unwilling to get better. Everyone can tell you to focus on the positive things in my life or in the universe. I do. I focus on everything I have going for me but there's no response inside of me. My mind cuts off positive feelings or feeling all together towards everything I like, love, or enjoy. The chemical factory in the happiness part of my brain has been shut off. I try to flood my brain with positivity and without getting any response I start to feel hopeless, weak, and exposed. I can't leave the house, I can't face the world, I have to spend 6 hours yelling at myself just to get into a damn shower.

I hide from the whole world when I feel like this. No facebook, no phone calls, no text messages, no contact. The rest of the world seems terrifying.

"Just get up and do those things, it's not that hard." If I was able to I would. You can't explain that to people who haven't had debilitating depression. Even if they were able to pull themselves out of it they have no idea what it's like to be pushed that far down emotionally without having control over it. It's different to be depressed over an event in your life vs you're mind being controlled and you're forced so low against your will.

The parasite makes me horribly depressed, not me. I don't get depressed because something in life upsets me- it shows up and takes over. Part of the frustration is understanding I have a lot going for me and I don't have a reason for being depressed. Against my will my brain latches on to sad and even torturous thoughts. I spend all day flooding my brain with positive thoughts and positive activities I could do that day but my mind doesn't care. It sits in my skull and tortures me.

"Remember that one time when you found out your ex cheated on you for the 5th time? Yeah, you should think about that. Remember how shitty you felt? Remember how you cried for 2 weeks straight? We're going to go ahead and force you to dwell on this- like it happened yesterday. These positive thoughts are cute but they're no match over what we've decided you're going to think about."

"You haven't done the dishes in a couple days. It's disgusting  It's an easy thing to do and you can't do it because you're a piece of shit. You'll never get your shit together. You're too fucked up as a person to possibly get it together. You can't even do the dishes, how do you expect to be able to succeed in life? You're useless, give up now"

 Awesome brain. Thank you. That's exactly what I needed.

I have 0% control over these thoughts. If I can't beat them with positivity then I'll just block them out of my mind, cut them off.

Doesn't work. The parasite will find worst thoughts and memories to shove into my consciousness.

"Remember that statistic about how little the chance is for a successful long term relationship for bipolar people? Remember how it's even worse for people with your version of it? See the mood you're in right now- you're a piece of shit for being like that. This is how you're going to lose Johnny and anyone else you inflict yourself upon. You shouldn't just be alone- you should just not be here."

"You're fucking up your boyfriend's life. He has a lot going for him and you're dragging him down and you know it. You're too fucked up to get your shit together so why are you dragging him down? Is this how you repay someone who has done so much for you? Your mere existence in his life is the biggest insult."

This is literally what happens in my head when I'm depressed. I do not generate these thoughts. I do not perpetuate these thoughts. I have no control over them. The parasite tries to take me out if it can't completely control me.

I know these thoughts aren't true. I know it's the parasite- it's not me. I still try to flood my brain with positive thoughts but what I'm fighting against is chemical- it isn't reasonable. I cannot simply change my view.

I don't choose to be this way. I don't choose to have debilitating depression and the real me is trying hard to shake it. It's like swimming against the current in a river of quicksand with your legs duct taped together. I am always trying my absolute damnedest to swim regardless of the odds against me but I'm fighting a loosing battle. I will always try to swim- it's all I can do.

It's the one symptom of the disorder that looks like I have a choice. I look like a whiny self pity case.

It's a chemical reaction in my brain that is malfunctioning. It's not something I choose or enjoy at all. It cannot be cured with positive thoughts and I cannot "snap out of it."

I have no desire for people to feel sorry for me. I just want out when it happens.

Thank you for reading


  1. I do not now nor will I ever pity you.

    Living with this parasite is never easy, and even more difficult to accurately explain to others who are not infected by it. I appreciate your strength and honesty.

  2. Days on end of sleeping 20 hours a day. Days where getting off the couch and walking 10 feet to the kitchen to get food becomes a completely overwhelming task. Days where I've literally crawled to the bathroom and had to take breaks halfway there. Friends who stopped hitting me up to hang out after the 40th time I've turned them down or flaked on plans. A "depression nest" that I form on my couch, surrounded by bits of food and trash that I'm too listless to get up and throw away. Sleeping all I can because at least it turns my mind off. Planning my routes to avoid driving over bridges because the urge to drive off becomes nearly inescapable. Days when the litany of "You just need to get out of the house, you'll feel much better!" becomes almost as maddening as the litany of "You're a failure. You're useless. You destroy everything you touch." that runs around and around my brain. Alienating significant others because they can't understand why I don't just "snap out of it" and why my normally ridiculous libido has suddenly bottomed out and I don't want to be touched in any way other than held while I cry.

    Been there. Done that. And it's a fucking cliche, but this too shall pass. Light, end of tunnel, and all that. Don't let the bastards get you down. I know how hard it is to talk to people when you're down but you know where to find me.

  3. I completely understand. It fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks and I'm sorry it happens to you too. It's so hard to convince yourself to keep going forward when your brain is fighting to keep you back.