The depression is hitting hard.
I have never been able to accept not being productive, especially right now. I have way too much to be doing but I can't get up. I can't drink tea or soda- I have to give up all caffeine.
I had nightmares again last night. Pretty bad ones.
I don't have anything here that usually cheers me up. I'm an outdoors person and I miss Richmond for that single reason the most. I don't have the James River I can just ride down to with my friends and spend all day there enjoying the water, sun, and the warm rocks. There are no bike rides here to show up to. There isn't off road trails to go running at. I don't even know any athletic people.
I should get out there and try to find this stuff or find something I can make do with. But it just doesn't fucking exist. Plus I've been to sick to use my mind effectively to go out and try to figure this shit out.
I miss riding 60 miles at in the morning. I miss the 15 mile urban rides at night. I miss the Buttermilk trail. I miss the VCU gym. I miss the 80 mile solo rides I would do in Varina.
I don't have that here. I have a 1 mile loop at a cemetery and the P90X. I like P90X but I hate working out indoors when it's so nice out and I don't have anyone to do it with.
I'm stuck indoors at almost all times up here and it's contributing to my depression.
I need outdoor endurance athletic challenges in order to be a well rounded productive person. I need people to argue with about SRAM vs Shimano. I want other, better cyclists to push me.
There's Pittsburgh but it's almost an hour away- I didn't realize that when I moved here. Plus I don't have anyone to ride with. I don't know anyone and going an hour both ways isn't doable with my schedule.
I don't know if it's a product of the parasite or if it's true but I'm pretty sure it's a lack of stuff to do. The kind of stuff I like. I HATE being indoors. I HATE being here. This place is a fucking pit.
I know it's temporary but I'm trying to get myself healthy and this place is preventing it.
I want to go swimming. I want to do a warrior dash type event. I want to do a triathlon. I want to go hiking. I want to have somewhere to run for 10 miles.
I don't want to be here. I hate Monessen.
I want to be healthy. I want to be sane. They are linked to each other.
I want out of here.