I tell myself this every day

I tell myself this every day

Monday, May 20, 2013

No Turning Back, Face the Fact, I Am Lost in Space and Time

Another horrible aspect of the parasite is the isolation it creates. I call it a parasite because it isn't me- it acts like a separate organism that tries to preserve itself. It fights to stay alive.

It causes isolation in many different ways. When I'm depressed it uses self defeat to keep me down. Not good enough, wasting my time, I'm a burden, and so on. In my post Do Not Go into the Light Carol Anne I cover a lot of the depression spectrum.

When I'm upset I can't communicate what I need. I can't explain what I need. In an argument it's very easy to get me heated up. The rising frustration is what gets to me. Everyone gets frustrated but most people don't get to the point where they want to throw themselves down a flight of stairs. That's how bad it escalates when someone with bipolar gets over run emotionally. It can be quick too, some times it doesn't take but a couple minutes. It becomes so overwhelming that you act out, start screaming, throwing insults, breaking stuff, cause injury to yourself, or worse- hurt someone else.

If I could put you in my mind when the frustration gets to that level I would. I don't wish that upon anyone else but I want my loved ones to see how completely overwhelming it is. I just want them to understand what it feels like so they don't see me as an awful person. It's unbearable and uncontrollable. I'm not quick to anger- anger is a result of my frustration working overtime.

 Holding all of that frustration in is impossible- you would do anything to get away from it, to have some relief. That's where the acting out comes into play. It's an inappropriate emotional response  That's what the parasite it- your brain doesn't create proper emotional responses.

I don't want to hurt anyone or myself. I act out as a desperate grab for relief. I want to get away from myself.

 Most people get mad or frustrated and it's the equivalent to a pot of water boiling over. They might say something they regret or raise their voice. When a bipolar person gets mad or frustrated it's like an atomic bomb. The parasite acts this way- it opens up a flood gate I can't control. I want to so bad! Oh dear god I would give anything to control this side of me. I want to be able to take a deep breath- remember the person I'm talking to is someone I love and go back to reason. The sane part of me that is buried inside never forgets the importance of these people- it never forgets the love, admiration, and respect I have for them. I strive to be diplomatic in all interactions with people- I especially would like to extend that courtesy to the person I love the most.

The real me never wants to argue- she always wants to have a civil debate, come to a compromise, and move on. No one wins but everyone is happy.

I would give anything to show that person that no matter what I love and care for them. Any issue in an argument is still less important than making sure I treat them right. I care for their mental health, their physical well being, and how I effect their life. I'm not here to try and cause you pain- I only want to be a source of good in your life.

I'm not a bad person- I just have a bad disorder.

I cannot get rid of the frustration, I cannot calm down, I cannot reason with myself or anyone else. When the anger does subside, and for me it's a pretty quick shift, it falls into depression. The chemical reaction (overreaction) in my brain has happened. The chemicals have been released. I can't turn my emotions off. I can't get rid of them like wiping up a spill off the counter. There's no handle to flush the excess waste once I recognize it's happening. It's science. It has happened and they have to run their course. It is out of my control.

The frustration merely redirects itself to acting out or I end up internalizing it. I have come to internalizing it by default because I rather beat myself up than act out towards the ones I love. But the damage I can do to myself is 10x worse than I'm capable of doing to anyone else.

I don't have a choice to "let it go." I can't just walk away.

I'm not in control. It's not that I'm unwilling to make these choices- It's that I can't.

If you don't have the disorder then it's impossible to understand the difference between "can't" and "won't" in an afflicted mind.

This is when the isolation kicks in and it's debilitating.

I'm alone in my frustration. I'm alone in trying to explain my frustration. I'm alone because despite my obvious emotionally instability I desperately want to solve the problem/argument. I want the other person to know I care and that I'm unhappy with the situation but I want to work it out. It's an argument- I'm not the only one involved but I want to be the first one towards making it right.

But I can't. I can fix the situation just as well as I can calm myself down. My attempts just add fuel to the fire. I end up contributing to the frustration, anger, or contempt the other person has toward me.

I'm alone with this chemical reaction in my head and no one to help me. It has completely isolated me and has left me with an over abundance of frustration.

I can't run to the person I've been arguing with. They're mad at me because of how I've been acting. I want to tell them that isn't me but it looks like I'm trying to deflect my responsibility or trying to manipulate them to get my way.

I'm not. I'm reaching out for help. I'm screaming for salvation. I'm alone and scared.

I always end up the bad guy because I can't keep myself under control, even when the other person is wrong, being unfair, or taking jabs at me.

 I want closure so I don't feel this way. I don't want to end up emotionally imploding.

Don't argue with a person who is under the control of this thing. That doesn't mean placate them, give in to their demands, avoid all confrontation, or that they "win." It simply means that it needs to be recognized that situation isn't going to be resolved at that moment. Put the game on pause and come back when your hands are no longer sweaty. No one is going to win if they continue - it's a battlefield set up for disaster.

I don't have the answers for what to do- I only know what not to do.

Remember you're not arguing with this person- you're arguing with a parasite. That isn't your loved one. They're in there but arguing, yelling, or taking stabs at them is prolonging the grip of the parasite and doing damage to the person underneath. We're not in control of it but your reaction to the parasite's control is hurting the person underneath. The people we really are.

It's hard to solve any problems when everyone ends up having to deal with the aftermath of the parasite's control. The original issues become buried underneath a plethora of emotional scars.

Do not take it personal. In my opinion and from my own experiences that is the hardest hurdle to get over. Realize they aren't out to get you- the parasite is. It does this to preserve itself and the hold is has over them.

Both sides need to take part in dealing with this. Both sides need to find methods that work. Communicate when the disorder isn't taking control.

You can't teach someone to swim while they're drowning. Teach them when they are ready, willing, and have confidence that they can do this.

There is no job tougher than to be the loved one of someone with emotional disorders.

It may not seem like it all the time but we love and value you.

You keep us going.

I love listening to this song to help cry it out and bring me back.

Thank you for reading.

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