Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I've lost control today. It has an absolute full grip on me. I can't figure out why the past two weeks have been almost completely out of my control. I can't hide, I have to find my way back.
I hadn't eaten this morning and the past 3 days I haven't been eating right. Lots of sugar and simple carbs. Basically the worst dietary options possible for the disorder. I've lost control this morning. The sane part of me is trying desperately to shake out of the parasite's grip but it's almost unbelievably strong.
I just want to paint. I want to be in class with Dorian, enjoying the last little bit of time I have left in this class. It renders me incapable of thinking clearly. It strips away my ability to socialize. It spits venom everywhere I turn and it hurts those I love most.
It has complete control over me but the sane part of me-who I really am- is still inside. I watch in horror as everything unfolds before me. It gets so bad the real me gets so ashamed and frightened.The parasite makes me wonder if it's worth trying to regain control again.
It's an awful existence. I don't want any part of this. I hate snapping back and looking around at the devastation it's caused. It's not ok.
I want my mind back.
I don't want this.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
That's not me. I'm in here somewhere.